When it comes to subjects like how to date and dating in general we feel that we should all know how it is done. Even if nobody is actually teaching us and most things we know about dating come from sources like movies, friends advice, family advice and even our own experience.
Because of this most of us tend to go through quite a few bad dating experiences and learn the hard way.
Now I understand that, as we start dating and exploring more in our teenage years we are less likely to listen to sound advice from parents or people that know better.
But what if there would be a better way of doing things?
I mean, clearly, it isn’t working the way we were doing it, otherwise the next generations would not go through the same dating struggles and experience before gaining some insight on how to do things, what do we want and so on.
What are dating rules
Dating rules is something that we all should know, and if we would, dating would be so much easier on so many levels.
These rules are somewhat universally applicable to most dating situations and they are a set of rules that we should follow when dating. Either to stay safe, or even just to make sure that we’re enjoying our time together with our date and we’re set off for a good time from the beginning without having to constantly guess what it is that we’re supposed to be doing.
How to date someone
There are various ways on how to date someone.
Firstly you need to find a date or let yourself be found.
There are many places that we can find people and if you’re quite shy you can also start with online dating. Just be careful not to get overwhelmed with the response and especially try not to let yourself be put off by any negative or inappropriate people.
The internet, although quite an amazing tool in itself, can be a way for some people to just drop their inhibitions and share too much way too quickly.
How do you date
One of the best tips that I’ve got when I was dating was to actually make a plan.
It took me a good while to actually understand the value of this advice.
I thought it would be enough to just wing it and go with the flow and try to discover, as I go, what I want and how to ask for it.
Although this way sounds more adventurous, the issue with it is that I was all over the place and I never knew when to set my limits and what they even were.
Once I got clear on what it is that I want in a partner and what I want to experience in a relationship, it was like everything just fell into place in the most amazing way and I met my now husband, Robert.
So if you’re dating with the aim of having a great relationship, make sure you know what you’re doing and plan it properly.
This way you’re taking the reins and not just let luck, or planets, decide your future in dating and relationships. It helps you with not having to constantly wonder what’s next, what should you do and when will you meet the right person?
3 tips from 30+ Experts
Because experts know what they’re talking about… I mean that’s why they’re experts, they’re dealing with this every day, I’ve asked quite a few of them to tell me what their best top 3 dating advice that they would want everyone to know.
What are those most important things that we can all do, regardless of where we are in the world, to have the best dating life and as many positive experiences as possible.
Here is what they had to say:
‘As a life coach and divorcee, I often work with clients who are looking to heal from break ups and put themselves back out there.
Below are my 3 top tips for dating:
1) Show up authentically. Oftentimes, we focus on being what either society tells us to be or who the other person is looking for. Dating gives you the opportunity to be completely you, quirky traits and all. Those who don’t like your traits aren’t your people. Being you automatically helps filter out potential candidates.
2) Trust your gut. If something seems off about the date or you’re simply not feeling it, trust that. Your intuition is an excellent filter.
3) Have fun with it! Remember, dating is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better you’ll be. Gone are the days of playing hard to get by waiting 24 hours to call or text a person back. If the date goes well and you want to continue the conversation, do it! And if you want to see the person the very next day, ask! If you really want to eat at a certain restaurant or go to a certain show, speak up. Use your voice. How you show up for the date is on you. How the potential partner responds is for him or her to own. The other person’s reaction provides you important feedback you can use going forward.’
If you want to have more fun whilst learning how to date better, make sure to check out our game by clicking here.
This game will not just be a lot of fun to play with friends but it also helps you with your dating life. It’s
Now let’s move on with our other experts and their advice on how to date better.
Samantha Saunders – Licensed Professional Counselor
‘I have so much to say on this topics however my top 3 suggestions:
1. Gather data: look at dating as you having a white coat and doing research. I want you to gather data on what you do enjoy and what you do not enjoy. Actually write this down and make this as a reference.
2. I want you to date more than one person. Now dating does not mean sex. I want you to gather information on what you do and don’t enjoy. It’s hard to do that spending so much time on one person. When you go through the dating process until you are clear you want to focus on one person continue to have the dates coming.
3. Do your vetting process. If you’re online dating, talk on the phone with the person first before even meeting with them. Also, you’re not able to have a conversation on the phone it’s going to be very challenging and a waste of time in person. If the person is sending simple texts and not asking about you and your life, those are signs. If you’re not looking for the same things, those are signs to not move forward with that person.’
Rachel Astarte – Psychotherapist and Transformational Life and Relationship Coach
‘1. Getting to Know You (and You and You): When we date, it’s important to remember that what we are doing is getting to know another human being. It may be tempting to put on the best face or to tell your dating partner information about you that you think he or she will find impressive.
Don’t!
It’s always best to be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for in a partner.
This saves time in the long run. It’s also important to be aware when the person you’re on a date with is trying to impress you. Pay attention to how eager he or she is to dazzle you with stories about his or her life. It may be that they are not entirely factual, which you will find out down the line.
2. Equal Air Time: Dating is an exchange of ideas and thoughts as we get to know each other. Beware of a dating partner who monopolizes the conversation. Not only could this be a sign of narcissistic tendencies, but it may indicate low self-esteem, hence the need to control the conversation. Again, we should not have to build ourselves up in order to be liked.
3. Enjoy Yourself: Approach dating not with the goal of coupling up, but rather of getting to know another person as an enriching addition to your life. If the two of you are meant to be together, the connection will happen organically.
Above all, give yourself time and space to welcome another person into your life — in whatever form that takes.’
‘1. Heed red flags. They are warnings. Don’t continue dating. He/she throws plates across the room when angry? Say goodbye.
2. Pay attention to yellow flags. These are things that don’t mean “stop right now.”Rather, yellow flags are violations of your standards that are changeable. Don’t ignore them. Tell your potential partner what’s not acceptable and pay attention to what happens next. Over the course of time, be sure the change has actually happened before committing long term.
3. Very important: Make sure you’re a catch. When you’re not at the top of your game, you’ll attract the same. This doesn’t mean your life has to be perfect, but that you’re working on yourself and your goals.’
Eddie Hernandez – Dating Coach
‘1) Know what you want. If you don’t know, you won’t find it.
2) Get feedback unbiased on your efforts. Advice from friends, and family can be biased as they have insight others (strangers) don’t.
3) Trust your gut. Be enthusiastic, and optimistic but be cautious. There are lots of scammers, liars and those that are not ready to date. Get to know people – take your time (that’s why it’s called dating).’
Sameera Sullivan – Relationship Expert and Matchmaker
‘1. Rethink some of the dating and relationship myths that may be keeping you from finding true love. Retaining unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate, and any new relationship feels disappointing.
2. Differentiate between what you desire and what you require in a partner. Needs are not negotiable, but wants are.
3. Be honest with yourself about your flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has flaws, and for a relationship to last, you desire someone to love you for who you are, not who you wish to be or who they believe you should be.’
Haley Riddle – Licensed Counsellor
‘Three vital aspects of dating to ensure you are meeting the right people are:
- Find others with similar interests
- Be open minded
- Get out of your comfort zone.
By finding those with similar interests, you may find a partner that aligns with your core values and beliefs. Being open minded and getting out of your comfort zone can help you to meet potential matches you had not considered before.
One way to filter the good options from the bad options is to be honest with yourself and identify what you are seeking in a relationship. If the individual does not match those criteria, that may be a bad match.’
Kevin Darne – Author and Relationship Expert
‘1. Have a Mate Selection Process
It is best to avoid allowing impulsive connections and happenstance to dictate your relationship choices. Too often many people believe it is unromantic to have any analytical approach to dating. They want to simply “follow their heart”.
You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and must haves list.
You are entitled to have your own “red flags”, boundaries, and “deal breakers”.
Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect your heart.
2. Be Specific and Granular
Create a profile of your ideal mate and answer as many questions as you can about him or her.
Do they live in the city or the suburbs? What profession are they likely to be in? What are their popular vacation destinations?
The more you know about your ideal mate the easier it is for you to frequent places where they are likely to be.
In order to meet the kind of people you want to be with you have to run in their same circles.
3. Cultivate the Traits You Believe They Desire
Making a must haves list for potential partners is the easy part. However, most people don’t go to the next step which is transference.
Transference is to imagine yourself being your “ideal mate” and honestly answering the following question:”If I were him or her, would I want to date me?”’
Arnitis Strong – Certified Relationship Coach
‘The top three things that people should do when dating to position themselves to attract the right person for them are to:
1) have a clear understanding of the type of relationship they desire- casual or committed
2) they should know what their non-negotiables are and
3) they should not spend time getting to know anyone who doesn’t desire the type of relationship they desire or exhibit any of their non-negotiables.
The more time they spend entertaining someone who doesn’t align with their true desires prolongs the time to meet the one who will AND increases the likelihood that they will develop an emotional attachment.
This emotional attachment could make it difficult to leave the relationship even though their needs can’t or won’t be met.
How to filter the good from the bad?
The way to determine whether a relationship is a good fit for you and filter out those that aren’t is to be clear about what you desire. Instead of spending time attempting to get the other person to like you, figure out if they are in alignment with your true desires.
Doing this will shorten the time wasted because you won’t neglect red flags that could signal trouble later on. The key to being successful in dating is knowing what you want and making the best decisions for you based on that alone.’
Ian Lang – Relationship Expert
‘Navigating the dating scene can be fun, confusing, and meaningful all at the same time. Here are the top 3 things people should be doing when dating:
Communicate. This can sound like such an easy thing to do, but in reality it’s where many people go wrong. Intent is one thing that is often either miscommunicated, or not communicated at all. Some people are looking for a long-term relationship and possibly marriage/kids, while others may want something more casual without any labels or strings attached.
Another thing people often fail to communicate to their partner is how they want to be loved. One person might need to be showered with gifts to feel their partner loves them, while one may just want you to reassure them verbally about how you feel. Many people also have trouble communicating when their feelings get hurt or if there’s a disagreement.
Laying everything out on the table will make the dating process much smoother for everyone involved. If someone isn’t able to communicate clearly with you, that’s a red flag.’
Vita Lagalla – Master Certified Law of Attraction Life Coach and Meditation Teacher
‘1. Get CLEAR about the type of person you want in your life. Get specific on the characteristics and qualities of that person. Ex: Effective communicator, financially responsible, loves to travel, growth mindset, etc. Don’t let the list keep you rigid but use it as a guideline to understand the person you want in your life and to bring forth the feelings that having this person in your life will bring you.
2. Be willing to learn and grow in personal development work for yourself and ask the other person if they are willing to do the same. Relationships change over time. as do people. If that person isn’t willing to create a safe container in that relationship with you and is not interested in creating something better, then that’s not the person that will stand the test of time in overcoming challenges.
3. Understand your Attachment Style first and then ask the other person if they are willing to understand theirs. Attachment styles come from childhood and understanding it allows you to break patterns and create new ones that foster a healthy, growing partnership.
When you are grounded in your vision and goals of what you want your life to look like, then filtering out people that don’t match that energy and vision will become easier, eliminating situations where you settle and hope for the best. You become more confident in speaking up and asking questions that are deep and meaningful. You’ll be led by intuition rather than lust.’
Tina B. Tessina – Licensed Psychotherapist
‘1. Pay attention to who your date is. Don’t worry about what the person thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date. People give off many clues to who they are from the beginning.
2. Use the “tennis match” approach in conversation: Make sure the conversational ball gets tossed back and forth. If you talk about yourself, keep it brief, and end with a question for your date: “What was your experience?” “What do you think?” “Have you ever done that?” keeps the conversation from being one-sided.
3. Focus on friendship: Most people have much better judgment about friends than they do about potential mates. Focus on what kind of friendship you can develop with this person, and keep the excitement level down, so you can be more able to use your judgment about what kind of person this would be. Listen to the stories your date tells; do they illustrate loyalty, responsibility, and a sense of humor? Remember, this is not only about sex. If this turns into a relationship, you’ll be living with this person day in and day out. Think about what everyday life with this person would be like.
Treva Brandonscharf – Relationship and Dating Coach
‘1. Go slow, take your time, vet carefully.
2. Keep your expectations in check. Don’t become overly eager, and beware of those who are overly eager (most likely they are love-bombers or narcissists).
3. Keep your eyes open, but also keep an open heart and mind. ‘
Nancy Landrum – Relationship Coach
‘1. Make sure you firmly believe that you deserve to be treated with respect.
2. Look for courtesy and thoughtfulness. They are not old fashioned virtues!
3. Pay attention to your own internal red flags. Call for a safe ride home if needed.’
Emily Mendez – Mental Health Expert
‘1. Clarify what it is that you are looking for in a relationship. Are you looking for someone who wants to be in an exclusive relationship? Do you want something long term? It’s important to talk about these things. Clarifying what you want in a relationship can help you find a partner who is looking for the same thing. This can lead to a healthier and happier relationship.’
Amelia Prinn – Relationship Expert
‘1. Have clear goals
There is nothing wrong with actually desiring temporary flings because you don’t feel ready for anything more serious. But you have to admit that to yourself instead of going around, allegedly trying to find commitment and then sabotaging every relationship you get into.
2. Be realistic
Don’t look for perfection because you won’t find it. It’s one thing to have relationship goals and standards (which you very much should) but it’s something else not to accept someone’s flaws. I mean, we’re all human beings. You have your own set of imperfections and you expect the other person to accept it, don’t you? Well, the least you can offer is the same treatment.
3. Listen to your gut
But what’s the difference between gut feeling and anxiety, you must ask? Here’s a trick: anxiety makes you feel nervous and scared. On the other hand, your gut feeling is pretty calm– you just know it’s true. Also, anxiety becomes stronger the more you think about it. On the other hand, your gut feeling has the same intensity all the time and it gives you an immediate reaction.’
Adam Khan & Kush – Relationship Coaches and Photographers
‘1. One of the best green flags to see if you’re a match is to see if they are an animal lover. It’s a great way of discerning whether somebody would make a good partner because it shows they have empathy, plus who doesn’t want to vet out psychopaths? Another bonus of this is you might even get to meet a cute pet from your potential date.
2. This is often skipped over a lot, but it’s really important. Do they have their own place or are they living in their mom’s basement? In our experience, this is a huge red flag a lot of the time. An adult who is fully functioning and not having their own apartment whether rented or owned without a legitimate reason can show that they aren’t good with their finances and may need a partner to mother/father them to pick up their slack. There are times however when this is a legitimate excuse. One example of it being okay to not have your own place is where they’re saving up for a deposit or whether they have been made redundant.
3: Don’t rush into things, take it slowly. Often it can be very exciting in the initial stages of a relationship, however, you don’t really know a person till you really know them. We know this sounds odd, but not rushing into things can give you a full understanding of the person’s personality, it can let you know if you’re a long-term match and if they have any hidden red flags that you may not know about.’
Stefanie Safran – Inductionista and Matchmaker
‘1. Do not go over the 60-90 minute 1st- 3rd date maximum! Make dates short (and hopefully sweet).
2. Make sure to pre-screen your date by talking on the phone for the 15 minute rule.
3. Do not assume that dating is just a “numbers” game. It’s also about a valuation. If a person seems sketchy or just not your type; don’t go! Safety comes first.’
Lori Stith – CEO of Stoic Matchmaker
‘1. Don’t pass up the chance to ask someone out, especially if you may never see them again.
While it takes courage, the more you ask someone out on a date, the easier it becomes. Think of how many times you didn’t ask someone out and regretted it later.
2. Prepare questions to ask in advance of your date.
While you shouldn’t grill your date with too many questions, ask the ones that are most important to you at that stage of dating. For first dates, keep things fairly general, but as time passes if you begin to think of someone as relationship material, the more important questions should become priority.
3. Find the One You’re Supposed to Marry & don’t settle.
Don’t settle for someone that you aren’t attracted to or someone that produces more bad times than good. Dating is supposed to be fun. Relationships should build strong bonds and marriage is supposed to be for life. If there isn’t chemistry or you can’t get along in the beginning, then you shouldn’t marry them.’
‘1. Be brutally honest with yourself. Be real. What do you need and desire? Make a list of qualities you would need in a partner. What is important to you? What do you need them to NOT do or be?
2. Prioritize that list. Figure out which needs must be met by your primary partner and which you can perhaps have met in other ways. No one person is going to be able to meet all your needs. But if you can figure out which you truly need directly from your romantic partner, you free your mind and heart up to only focus on those things.
3. Once you truly understand what you really need AND you understand which of those things you need in your primary partner, think about where people with those qualities are likely to be … and go there. This may require a stretch from you. You may need to go to locations or events or join groups that you never considered before, but psychology tells us that forming bonds with another human is made much easier by being around them in real life.‘
Dating advice from non-experts
Below I have included some very sound dating advice that, although they’re not experts, it makes a lot of sense.
Some of this advice is quite similar to the ones given by most experts, but some is quite unique.
Now if you still don’t know how to go about dating and getting clear on what you want make sure to check out Better Topics The Dating Game.
This game will not only help you have a great time with your friends when playing, but also a really good insight into what is it that you’re really looking for in a partner and relationship.
Now let’s continue with the dating advice:
Sonya Schwartz – Founder HerNorm
‘1. Tell your date you have to divide paying the meal price.
This tip will help you determine willingness and fairness for that person. Also, you won’t let your date take all the obligations and all the expenses of dating you, and you can identify who is selfish and not with the situation.
2. Don’t check your phone while your date is talking.
It is rude and disrespectful if all your focus is on your mobile device only. It shows a lack of interest and states that you don’t take this date as seriously and that everything was just a game.
Dating is like an experiment to find a match. You need to communicate and listen to each other, which everyone doing this phase must understand.
3. Don’t be exaggerated.
All information must be in control and don’t go beyond that. Some people get scammed and messed up on their dates because they are trying so hard to show off and trust that person, which is why they must be meticulous and follow this tip.’
Fiona Lewis – Co-Founder at Notta
‘1. Don’t rush into things. Take your time getting to know the person you’re dating and make sure they’re truly someone you want to be with long-term.
2. Be honest with each other. If you’re not being truthful about who you are, what you want, or what you’re looking for in a relationship, it’ll be difficult to find lasting happiness.
3. Communicate openly and frequently. Discuss your expectations, needs, and desires with your partner to ensure that you’re both on the same page. Regular communication will help avoid misunderstandings and conflict.’
‘1. Don’t take it personally. One of the most important things to remember when dating is that not every date is going to be a success. It’s important to try not to take each failed date personally. Just because one person didn’t work out doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be alone forever.
2. Be positive. It can be easy to get down on yourself after a few bad dates, but it’s important to stay positive. Remember that there is plenty of other fish in the sea and that you will find someone eventually. In the meantime, enjoy being single and focus on enjoying your life.
3. Don’t give up. If you’ve been on a lot of bad dates, it can be tempting to throw in the towel and give up on dating altogether. However, it’s important to persevere. Dating can be difficult, but it’s also worth it. Don’t give up on your search for love just because you’ve had a few bad experiences.’
April Maccario – Founder AskApril
‘1. Have an open mind.Being open-minded will make dating spontaneous. Spontaneity is vital in finding true love. It allows you to see things in different perspectives, and that gives others a chance to express themselves holistically.
2. Be positive. Having a positive attitude will help yourself to radiate naturally. Being positive is also contagious, this too, will bring out the best in the person you are dating.
3. Don’t rush things. Don’t pressure yourself to foster a connection with the person you are dating. It takes time to find the perfect partner, so take it one step at a time. Let things take their own course while giving yourself ample time to get comfortable with the person.’
Samantha Moss – Editor & Content Ambassador at Romantific
‘1. Be yourself. Do not try to be someone you are not just to impress your date. Show the real you, and if that person has no problems with it, that is a good sign that they may be the right person for you.
2. Take your time. You can overlook crucial things such as red flags when you rush dating and love. So, if you really want to find someone who is right for you and complements you, make sure to take your time getting to know someone.
3. Be attentive. Make sure to pay attention and listen actively to your date. Doing so will make it easier for you to get to know that person better. And it can also help you create a genuine connection with them.’
Lastly, if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed with all this advice on how to date, make sure to check out Better Topics The Dating Game and get yourself a copy of a cool card game that is fun to play and also insightful.
